Prince Valiant

“Cage III — Free Show. B.S. Latrodectus Mactans...

Sun, 13 Dec 2009 17:08:00 -0500

“Cage III — Free Show. B.S. Latrodectus Mactans Productions/Infernatron Animation Concepts, Canada. Cosgrove Watt, P. A. Heaven, Everald Maynell, Pam Heath; partial animation; 35 mm.; 65 minutes; black and white; sound. The figure of Death (Heath) presides over the front entrance of a carnival sideshow whose spectators watch performers undergo unspeakable degradations so grotesquely compelling that the spectator’s eyes become larger and larger until the spectators themselves are transformed into gigantic eyeballs in chairs, while on the other side of the sideshow tent the figure of Life (Heaven) uses a megaphone to invite fairgoers to an exhibition in which, if the fairgoers consent to undergo unspeakable degradations, they can witness ordinary persons gradually turn into gigantic eyeballs. INTERLACE TELENT FEATURE CARTRIDGE #357-65-65”

-David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest.

RENT

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 06:37:00 -0500

This is (sort of, in a very loose sense of the term) a Movie Review of the film Rent that I wrote for my cousin’s website (rcjohnso.com) years and years ago. I haven’t revisited the film since, nor seen the Broadway production, but after rereading my review tonight, I more or less stand by my nineteen-year-old-self’s reaction to it. My one major caveat in rereading my review is this: Besides having awesome boobs and being in the “seemed-really-cool-(and fucked up!)-at-the-time” film Kids, I can’t really think of any reasons why I thought Rosario Dawson was such a “fine actress” when I wrote this.

She does have awesome boobs, though. And she was in that really cool (and, like, totally fucked up!) film Kids.

God.

____________________

RENT
OR: EVERYBODY HAS AIDS!

Tonight I drove down to Old Town Arvada by myself and bought a ticket to see RENT at 10:45, at the ghetto theater, which still costs seven dollars. I used a student I.D. expired three years ago, and the lady asked to see my regular I.D. because I was paying with a debit card. In case somebody stole Zachary Johnson’s debit card and was using it to see RENT at 10:45 on a Sunday night.

I can’t even tell you how bad this movie is. Because I couldn’t even stand to finish it.

Sometimes I like to go see bad movies that promise to be a little bit inspirational, sad, and fun. My forgiveness for bad/fun movies runs pretty deep. I liked The Phantom of the Opera. I liked Coyote Ugly, for Christ’s sake.

RENT is so awful that you want to punch every single person that was involved in the face, except for Rosario Dawson, who was the only member of the cast that didn’t annoy the fucking shit out of me every time she opened her mouth, or even kept on breathing. Rosario Dawson is a fine actress, and somehow even managed to sing the shittiest lyrics ever without seeming completely ridiculous. I’m not going to applaud her for that, though. I’m mad at her. I almost want to punch her in the face too.

Example of shittiest lyrics ever:

ROSARIO DAWSON: “You have strong hands, like my father. Do you want to dance?”

PUSSY ROCKSTAR (nervously): “With you?”

ROSARIO DAWSON (sarcastically): “No, with my father.”

PUSSY ROCKSTAR: “My name is Roger.”

My name is Roger? Are you fucking shitting me? I thought this musical was supposed to be a gritty but poignant portrayal of people dying of AIDS on the mean streets of New York. I’ve never seen the play, but it has the same lyrics and songs as the movie, so it is now on my shit list too. In fact, RENT is the only thing on my shit list. I created my shit list tonight, because of RENT.

And people like this musical. I mean, I went to acting school, and people raved about it. Christ, I can’t even remember the last time I saw a movie that I hated so much. And I liked Uptown Girls, for God’s sake, so my standards aren’t too fucking outrageous or anything.

Sheesh.

Also, the pussy rockstar character affected his voice to sound like the pussy rockstar Scot Stapp (from Creed) so much that I almost wanted to kill myself every time he started to sing. Another example of shittiest lyrics ever: When singing an indulgent song about how he used to be addicted to smack with his old girlfriend, who died of AIDS, he refers to himself, I swear to God, as “the pretty-boy frontman,” looking so pleased with himself and mopey that you want to punch him in the face. Who the fuck is proud of being a pretty-boy, and so much that they think it’s a good thing to mention in a song about their dead, crack-addicted, tragic ex-girlfriend. I swear, everybody in this movie except for Rosario Dawson, you want to punch in the face. And that includes the director, Chris Columbus, and whoever it was that had the indecency to write such a feel-good, empty, saccharine musical about people dying of AIDS in the first place. The movie’s not even good enough to be called manipulative; we can accuse a movie like I AM SAM for using unfair methods to make you want to cry, for pulling obviously at the old heart-strings, but it at least succeeds in that. I mean, I AM SAM, good or not, sort of makes you want to cry. It doesn’t make you want to punch Sean Penn and Dakota Fanning in the face.

I wanted my seven dollars back, but I didn’t ask for it. A little more than halfway through, I got out of my seat, walked to the exit, and stepped outside, smoking a cigarette on the way to my car. While I was driving home, I passed an ambulance parked in a deserted lot, next to a vacant building with tall, empty windows. I didn’t think about anything at all the entire drive home. Except I wondered at one point if I was speeding, but I looked down at the speedometer and I wasn’t.

The terrible thing about a movie like RENT is that it makes you question any tender emotion, any trying experience, any poignant recollection that you’ve ever had in your whole entire life. It makes you want to be hard as nails, and make fun of everybody and everything, just to be sure that you won’t ever, ever end up creating anything that could be even distantly, unfairly, remotely, or even mistakenly comparable to RENT. From now on, if I ever quietly remember a soft, slow kiss of a girl, or remember feeling safe and scared, her slender, shivering body next to mine in the dying light of evening as I lay with wet eyes next to her, watching the New York skyline become shadowy and blurry, feeling her stomach breathe in and out regularly, like a child’s, asleep next to me … If I ever find myself focusing on such a moment, I will suddenly want to go lock myself in the bathroom from sheer embarrassment. And I get nostalgic about that sort of thing all the time. Jesus.

Thanks a lot, RENT. You fucking asshole movie.

themadeshop: So if you’re making egg nog with freshly ground...

Sat, 12 Dec 2009 04:51:29 -0500

themadeshop:

So if you’re making egg nog with freshly ground nutmeg and you drop the cheese grater… don’t try to catch it. Again, don’t try to catch falling cheese graters.

Movie Reviews

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 16:27:22 -0500

Here are some Movie Reviews I wrote for my cousin Rian’s website five or six years ago. I still don’t know why I don’t have a high-paying job as a critic yet.

9/5/04

SUMMER MOVIE REVIEWS

Even though I’ve been working on a real tour-de-force of a novel in my free time, I never really write any of it, so I’m going to start writing some movie reviews on here, as to inspire me.

The trouble is that I don’t really have enough money to see any movies anymore, and so I’ll be trying to recall movies that I saw a while ago. And my memory is almost as shitty as my imagination.

The Bourne Supremacy is the sequel to The Bourne Identity, and it is still about Jason Bourne, but in the first twenty minutes of the movie, his wife who is Franka Potente dies, and then in the rest of the movie people are pursuing him, and then there is a car chase. NOTE: IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY SEEN THIS MOVIE, AS MY OLDER BROTHER HADN’T WHEN HE READ MY WICKED REVIEW, DO NOT READ THE PREVIOUS REVIEW BECAUSE IT TELLS YOU THAT FRANKA POTENTE DIES. HENCEFORTH I SHALL WARN THE READER IN ADVANCE.

Dogville (SPOILER ALERT) is about a lady who represents a divinity, and I’m told the movie is a scathing critique on American life, and there is also a blind man in the movie who likes to feel the sun on his face, but who also is eventually mean to the woman like everybody else in the town who uses sheltering her as leverage to abuse and misuse her. Then she kills everybody.

Kill Bill Vol 1 and 2 are about Uma Thurman totally kicking ass after recovering from totally getting her ass kicked.

The Passion of the Christ (SPOILER ALERT) is about when Jesus died for our sins. And it is about nothing else. Billy Grahm really liked it, though, and so you should too. Warning for pussies: It’s really violent.

Catwoman is about Halle Berry being sexy but sort of dumb, too. I didn’t see it, but Sharon Stone is in it, although not in the same sort of way she was in Basic Instinct. I don’t really know, though, because I didn’t see that either.

Troy is about Brad Pitt being Achilles and Orlando Bloom being a big pussy in the Illiad, but don’t see it with a bunch of fellow acting students who think acting is a mystical and sacred art, because seeing it with a bunch of fellow acting students who think acting is a mystical and sacred art is shitty.

The Pianist is a moving story about a Polish pianist who survives the Holocaust, but the funniest part about it is giggling when somebody asks you if you want to go see The Pianist. Because “The Pianist” sounds like “The penis.”

Holes is a crappy Disney adaptation of a mediocre children’s book about a boy who digs holes and has a great, great, pig-stealing grandfather or something.

Cheaper by the Dozen is based on the book Cheaper by the Dozen, except with Steve Martin and Ashton Kutcher and Hillary Duff. I haven’t seen it, but Hillary Duff is the cutest thing since Madonna.

The Terminal is a really funny movie about Tom Hanks being stuck in an airport with an accent, and it made me feel very happy about life. Until I left the theater, anyway. Also, (SPOILER ALERT) Catherine Zeta Jones is in it as well, and she is very cute, but she was cuter in The Mask of Zorro when Zorro who is really Antonio Banderas cuts her dress straps away while they are swordfighting and flirting at the same time, which only happens in movies, but is still cool.

Secret Window is a movie where Jonny Depp again defies audience expectations, except this time by being in the crappiest movie ever.

Lost in Translation is a movie about how Scarlett Johannsen is really cute.

Dodgeball is a movie about dodgeball, and from what I gathered, that was the joke.

I didn’t see Anchorman because the previews looked crappy, but a couple of people told me that it was pretty good for, “you know, that sort of movie.” Which is good enough for me.

I don’t know what Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind was about, but it is the best movie I’ve ever seen about love, and it made me miss M———- (whose name is a secret because she’d kill me if she knew I was still writing about her) even though I’m not Jim Carrey and didn’t try to have my memories of her erased, and even though Jon Brion didn’t do the soundtrack to my life.

Coffee and Cigarettes is a movie that is about a lot of different people drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes, but should have just been about Jack White and Meg White (and Jack Black?) drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes, because I liked that segment the best, even though I also liked some of the other segments as well.

Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban is the best Harry Potter movie yet, although the first one holds a magical quality for me because I saw it before I really knew anything about who Harry Potter is and Ron and Hermione and He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, who is Lord Voldemort, and Dumbledor too. I saw the first one on a snowy night with a bunch of people and also with my ex-girlfriend, whose name was Kristen, and she sat on the other side of the aisle than me, and so I wrote her a note that went like this:

“Do you want to sit next to me and hold hands? Yes. No. (Circle one)”
But instead of circling one, she wrote “Hell no.”

The Dreamers is a movie that I think is called The Dreamers, but I’m not sure. Anyway, it’s about an American boy who goes to Paris and lives with a brother and sister and has sex if it is indeed called The Dreamers. I only saw it because it was rated NC-17 and I could. And if you are 17 or older, you should too.

Farenheit 9-11 is a movie that I don’t even want to talk about. Mainly because I haven’t seen it, though.

The Village is a movie about how you’re really fucking stupid if you didn’t learn your lesson with Signs.

Of course, I didn’t see The Village, and I only saw half of Signs because I spent the first half waiting outside for M to show up until she called to say she couldn’t show up, so I could be wrong.
But probably not.

(It should be noted that I thought Signs was really good until somebody told me that it wasn’t supposed to be a comedy.)

Anyway, I can’t think of any more movies to write about, so I’m going to read some more of G.K. Chesterton’s Orthodoxy, or maybe continue in Wuthering Heights before I go to bed. And as I’m going to bed, I’m going to try to be happy instead of very anxious and dead-feeling, and I am going to do this by thinking about how a cup of tea will taste nice in the morning, because I have learned that it is good to take life one step at a time, and drinking a cup of tea in the morning is something which is simple to do and happy, but not in a terrible way. I’m also going to try thinking about Hillary Duff right before I fall asleep, because then maybe I will dream that I am thinking about Hillary Duff.

ronenreblogs: the tags win it

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 15:57:44 -0500

ronenreblogs:

the tags win it

Book Reviews

Wed, 09 Dec 2009 00:48:15 -0500

I haven’t been able to post any new drawings or paintings here for a long time because I’ve been working full-time on illustrating The Gospel According To Luke with my brother Marke at The Made Shop. The Gospel According To Luke is a book about a guy named Jesus, written from a guy named Luke’s perspective. The main character dies in the end, but don’t worry because three days later he miraculously comes back to life and flies into the sky and everyone is like, “Ooh! Wow! Awesome!” It’s a pretty good book.

Anyway, in the meantime I thought I’d post some old Book Reviews I wrote for Rian Johnson’s website a few years ago.

3/11/08
Book Reviews

Fantastic Mr. Fox
by Roald Dahl

I read this when I was about nine years old, and it made me want to be a fox who lived in a rich, cozy, imaginatively decorated little burrow underground. This is probably because I happened to read the version not illustrated by Quentin Blake. Among intelligent adults, Mr. Blake seems to be widely regarded as a terrific illustrator of beloved children’s books. And he might be, but as a nine-year old boy I thought his drawings were total pieces of shit.

James and the Giant Peach
by Roald Dahl

I read this when I was about ten years old, and it made me want to be a little orphaned boy who made friends with human-sized mutated insects inside a delicious, sumptuous-looking giant peach. This seems inexplicable on its own, so it was probably for the same reasons as above.

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
by Roald Dahl

I read this when I was about ten and a half years old, and I loved it because at this time I started to realize that, contrary to what my unsuspecting parents believed, Roald Dahl was sort of seriously fucked up!

Danny the Champion of the World
by Roald Dahl

I read this when I was about eleven years old, on my brother Nathan’s recommendation, and I loved it. Nathan, incidentally, used to tell me great bedtime stories about a boy and a girl (named Priscilla, I still remember) who went on great adventures together all over the world. In one adventure they flew to Egypt together by riding on the wing of a 747 airplane, which is totally impossible.

Bruno and Boots:
This Can’t be Happening at Macdonald Hall
Beware the Fish
The War With Mr. Wizzle
by Gordon Korman

Taken from the Wikipedia entry: “Bruno and Boots is the name of a series of young adult novels by author Gordon Korman; they are arguably his most famous works.” There’s nothing arguable in that statement. I’ve spoken with the six people who have read these books, and they simply ARE his most famous works. I won’t fault Wikipedia for annoyingly using the word “arguably” though, because I wrote my own Wikipedia entry, so obviously any hack can be on there. My entire Wikipedia biography is arguable. Indeed, as my brother Marke once pointed out, saying “arguably” to ostensibly disclaim any statement that is inherently subjective by nature or cannot be scientifically measured, is pretentious and redundant, and anyone who does so is arguably an asshole.

Anyway, these three books are arguably the best books ever written.

Anna Karenina
by Leo Tolstoy

The fact that it took me nearly five whole months to make it half-way through this gigantic book has almost nothing to do with it being an extremely immense, complex, and intricately-woven epic, requiring devotion and dedicated perseverance from its readers, and almost everything to do with the fact that I was watching a lot of reality TV at the time. In the ongoing battle between Good and Evil, I like to think I’ve struck a pretty big blow for Evil. Fuck you, Russian literature! You ‘aint got shit on Flava Flav!

On Bullshit
by H. G. Frankfurt

I really enjoyed this little book (or hardcover-bound essay, to be precise), but this is what I hilariously told my brother Marke when I returned his lent copy to him: “Dude, that book was bullshit.”

Like I said, hilarious.

The Bible
by God

This is probably a really great book, but not if you have to read it nonconsecutively, a few randomly chosen chapters at a time, and then are made to memorize tons of individual verses by rote by your Bible teacher for a grade in a class at a private Christian school which will actually affect your high-school GPA and, conceivably, affect your chances of getting into a good college and ultimately leading a successful life.
But honestly. Imagine reading Harry Potter, all fun and shit, and then being like “Oh shit!” because you remember that you have to memorize large passages of its text and recite them verbatim for a test next week. By the time you hit your sophomore year in highschool, you’d probably be all like, “Fuck you, J. K. Rowling. I don’t even believe you exist.”

Lolita
by Vladimir Nabokov

Who knew that a dark, intensely drawn, complexly psychological novel about aberrant sexual behavior (namely, pedophilia) could be so hilarious? The dirty looks I got from Meredith whenever I laughed while reading this book were priceless. They also successfully made me feel bad about myself.

American Psycho
by Brett Easton Ellis

I tell people to read this book all the time, but nobody ever does. That’s usually because then I remember what’s in this book and mumble, “Actually, nevermind.”

The Yearling
by Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings

This book apparently won a Pulitzer in 1939. I don’t know why, though. It’s four hundred and sixteen pages long, and it’s about a boy and his adopted deer. Gay.

The Fountainhead
by Ayn Rand

I really love this book dearly, but like everyone else, I was a total asshole for two straight years after I read it. My friends claim this has nothing at all to do with reading this, or any, book, and also scoff loudly about the “two years” part, exclaiming, “Two years? Two years?! Please.”

My friends are assholes.

The Da Vinci Code
by Dan Brown

Everyone has read this book, and everyone thought it was totally awesome, so don’t even bother pretending like you haven’t read this book, or that you didn’t think it was totally awesome. Consider this: In his genius, unparalleled description of the physical appearance of lead character Robert Langdon, Brown actually drops all traditional literary methods and pretty much just says that Langdon looks like Harrison Ford.
To be perfectly clear: Brown doesn’t describe Harrison Ford’s features when introducing Langdon. He literally says that Langdon looks like Harrison Ford. Seriously.

Awesome? Totally!

My other favorite part is when Brown makes an incredibly culturally-savy joke that goes something like this:

Character 1: What book are you talking about?
Character 2: Only the best-selling book in history!
Character 1: (Gasp!) You mean Harry Potter?
Character 2: No! I mean The Bible!
Both Characters: Ha ha ha ha.

This book is so awesome that sometimes I can’t even believe it. In fact, the only thing more awesome than The Da Vinci Code was any book written by a Christian author actually taking The Da Vinci Code seriously.
“Oh shit! Dan Brown wrote a crappy fictional airplane novel which questions whether or not my belief system is valid! Please tell me somebody is writing a book to refute it, or else I might start to question the entire Judeo-Christian faith myself, because I’m a total idiot!”
“Stay calm, stay calm! We’ve got our best theologians on the job, because we’re total idiots too!”

“Oh, thank God. Could every church in America also make sure to spend an entire month of sermons devoted to refuting it when the hollywood movie version directed by Ron Howard and staring Tom Hanks comes out later this summer?”

“Yes.”

The Brothers Karamazov
by Fyodor Dostoevsky

I’ve never read a book greater in depth or scope. This masterpiece, completed shortly before Dostoevsky died, is about nothing less than the entirety of life and existence. I don’t know how anybody has had the balls to write a book since, but I respect anyone who has greatly. And that obviously includes women who have had the vaginas to write one.

Hal & Mario

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 23:23:09 -0500

Hal: Mario, what do you get when you cross an insomniac, an unwilling agnostic and a dyslexic?
Mario:I give.
Hal:You get someone who stays up all night torturing himself mentally over the question of whether or not there's a dog.

Phone conversation with Dad.

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 23:12:23 -0500

(via my amazing friend Amanda)

Dad: So, you're telling me you decided to stay in the US for another year?
Me: Yes.
Dad: I'm worried about you.
Me: Is that a nicer way to say: You're crazy?!
Dad: What if you're wasting your time.
Me: I have a plan.
He put me on hold (I haven't seen my dad for 3 and a half years.)

Dad: I'm afraid to ask what is this plan.
Me: It's a secret plan.
Dad: What's the secret plan.
Me: I don't know yet. It's so secret that I don't even know.
Dad: So you don't have a plan.
Me: Yes I do. My plan is a secret that keeps a secret from me so I won't find out about the secret 'till the secret is revealed.
Dad: Talk to your mom now...

Cleaning the Apartment with Marcus

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 21:08:26 -0500

MARCUS: You remind of my friend, Robbie.

ME: A blundering idiot?

MARCUS: Lazy as balls, but smart as hell.

Ronen takes pictures of me wearing his red clown nose. Pathos...

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 02:43:04 -0500

Ronen takes pictures of me wearing his red clown nose.

Pathos ensues….

ronen-v:

Three unedited photographs of Zachary Johnson, from Thanksgiving Dinner at Adrian.

I can’t wait to publish the thanksgiving album.

I’m not a photographer, but here is my photograph of...

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 02:41:06 -0500

I’m not a photographer, but here is my photograph of Ronen, using Ronen’s stolen camera. After I stole his camera to take this picture, I stole his glass of champagne … to drink it.

ronen-v:

Thanksgiving at Adrian’s (with Champagne)

pic by Zach Johnson

me, by Ronen. From Thanksgiving with...

Thu, 03 Dec 2009 02:32:04 -0500

me, by Ronen. From Thanksgiving with Ronen.

themadeshop:

ronen-v:

Z.

Letter from the neighbor...

Tue, 01 Dec 2009 17:33:00 -0500

Letter from the neighbor...:

(via donnymandible)

This is amazing.

Rules about Phil. One drink is enough.

Sat, 28 Nov 2009 13:45:00 -0500

Phil: I have an idea.
Me: yes?
Phil: I want you to be a painter for the month of December. I'll pay for it.
Me: Yeah? Why?
Phil: Because I had a martini and Im feeling pretty good, and you should listen to me now before I have my second ... when bullshit comes.

-Reblogged from damadesign. Besides the fact that this is the most hilarious conversation I've heard in awhile, I completely agree with Phil that Amanda should be a painter for the month of December.

Best Mass-Thanksgiving-Text. Ever.

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 00:28:52 -0500

Tonight I got the following text-message from my cousin, Adam. As is incredibly and easily apparent, he’s awesome.

From: Adam

Dear [friend, relative, acquaintance, lover], I hope your having a splendid [occasion]! Let’s [get together, chat, email, make out] and forward our relationship in the appropriate manner soon! [sincerely, miss you, love, cordially, sexily],

Adam

Wendy’s…

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:12:16 -0500

Wendy’s…

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 19:11:45 -0500

Wendy’s…

themadeshop: christopher-kuehl: I just got some photos that I...

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 18:29:00 -0500

themadeshop:

christopher-kuehl:

I just got some photos that I took for the start of a new category on the Satin Train site called Modern Love, it’s of one of my favorite couples…Caleb & Sarah. Check it out here.

I highly, highly advise clicking through to see all of these. Highly. Advise.

This is a beautiful couple, and some of the most beautiful work Christopher has done.

Observant.

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 05:04:07 -0500

ME: Hey buddy, have you seen the barstool?
MIKE: Yeah, it's right there.
ME: Where?
MIKE: Under that floating jacket.

Liposuction

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 15:40:41 -0500

While getting my morning coffee in Duncan Donuts today, I overheard a radio ad for plastic surgery, specifically targeting new mothers. The doctor said that he could get a woman’s body back to how it looked before her pregnancy, and then listed a nose-job in the exhaustive list of corrective, or rather “augmentative,” options available.

Because everyone knows that after you have a baby, your nose gets totally fucked up.